my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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