My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
