So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I AM VODKA MAN
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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