come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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