i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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