he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
