So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
