u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
