and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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