funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Randomize
