i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
