You're my little dorito
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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