Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
