the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't deserve a penis
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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