You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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