im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
