and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
