I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
