Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
40s are totally the cure
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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