Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My liver just had a heart attack.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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