they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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