so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
being pregnant is like rehab
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
