I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
