He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
