hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
