I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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