oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm really busy with my period
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