Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
