Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
