The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
