Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
