So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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