So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
