you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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