Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
