What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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