can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
