WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
