Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
