literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
