You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
