I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
