Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
