It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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