I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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