I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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