he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
