pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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