You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
pray to the hookup gods
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
