so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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