Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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