We're facebook friends in real life
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
