I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
