I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
