tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
