Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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