guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
