Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
