70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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