Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
